The Anniversary

This past Sunday was the one-year anniversary of the day Michelle was murdered.

It was also the one-year anniversary of the day we realized she was missing. Of the day Erin's friend assured me she was "totally fine". Of the day I curled up on my bed with my cell phone clutched closely, waiting for a phone call with any news, good or bad. Of the day I put all of Dorsey's birthday party supplies back in the fridge, only to stare at the veggie dip every time I opened the door until it finally went bad and I threw it out, unable to eat what had been meant for that night's planned celebration.

This past Saturday was the one-year anniversary of the day she disappeared.

It was also the one-year anniversary of my first time eating at Koto, and my first time doing sake-bombs. It was the one-year anniversary of my first time meeting Julia, and laughing at her tendency to eat raw miso paste. Of showing Dorsey's parents the O.P. Of assuring them, even if only with a locking of the eyes, and quick nod of my head, that I would keep an eye out for her, make sure she was safe. It was the one-year anniversary of introducing Michelle to James. Of silently thinking to myself that they would make a great couple. Of meeting Tommy and Mike for the first time. Of saving Michelle's phone number in my own cell phone, the official mark of becoming real friends.

This past Friday was the one-year anniversary of the event at Higher Ground. Of waiting until midnight to do birthday shots with Michelle and Dorsey. Of not having quite enough room in my car to get us all to the bar. Of making Michelle ride with an overhead projector on her lap, a memory that seems strangely surreal in comparison to the next night's events. Of later on allowing Dorsey to walk away from me towards another party in town, even though I could tell she was blacked out. The anniversary of the last time I would ever let that happen.

A week ago Sunday was the one year anniversary of the first time we lost Michelle. Of the first time she decided to walk alone back to campus. Of the party on Green Street, where Dorsey, Michelle, Erin and I all swigged cheap whiskey from the bottle Erin's friend had brought along. Of Dorsey, Michelle and I officially deciding to all move in together once Erin finally graduated and moved away. Of us deciding that if nothing else, our apartment would be awesome. Yes, it would have to be awesome.

Today was the anniversary of the day we took over Kinko’s. Of me setting up the kids I nannied with coloring books on the floor, so I could help Julia and Hannah run copy after copy of the Missing Person flyer.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we formed the search party. Of me not being able to focus on the seriousness of what we were doing. Of me instead worrying that my mother would have a fit when the news showed a shot of me wearing denim on denim.

Next Saturday will be the anniversary of finding her. The anniversary of leaving the staring people in the press conference and instead watching the news from the Channel 5 van outside City Hall. The anniversary of Tommy's anguished cry as he pushed by me, out of the van and into the arms of his mother who held him, and cried with him, for the girl he had grown up with side by side. The anniversary of buying out Like Cola's entire stock of red wine and piling everyone into my living room for our own non-denominational version of sitting Shiva.

Next Sunday will be the anniversary of Dorsey's parents returning to town. Of them buying us a hotel room to allow us a chance to hide out from everything. Of my old boss wanting to help so bad that she leant me a TV on which we watched endless episodes of Friends in that hotel. Of my first ever panic attack upon finding myself disoriented in the dark. Of our big trip to the Pennycluse, and Outdoor Gear Exchange to buy everyone pepper spray.

The anniversary of the official start to the winter spent under the influence.

The anniversary of the official start of Dorsey moving in.

The anniversary of the official start of the rest of lives, with every last bit of us changed.