The Hearing

I'll admit it's been a rough week.

haHA, Bridie! You're probably saying, Like you ever DON'T have a rough week!

Yeah, OK FINE. I'm just being my usual emotional wreck then I guess.

The thing is... this week has been an initial hearing in Michelle's murder case. Basically they are watching and listening to all of the interviews done with her accused killer prior to his arrest, and determining whether or not any of his rights were violated. Or basically... shoot me now.

I have never been so far behind at work due to my own lack of motivation as I am this week. But every morning I come in and read the latest report in the paper and immediatelly lose my will to do anything other than curl up in a ball under my desk and sleep.

Sleep.

I just want to sleep until this whole thing passes over.

But, you know, that's really not an option. And you know what else is not an option? Hysterically reading portions of the newspaper reports out loud in the office. Because you know who does not know how to handle your hysterical grief? Co-workers.

Awesome.

In any case, I debated back and forth this entire week as to whether or not I would attend a portion of the five day hearing. I couldn't decide whether it would be good or bad for me to see the man who killed my friend in person. Any normal person would say, "GOD NO!" But for some reason I feel like maybe this could be what will provide me with resolution.

Or maybe it could just be good practice for the trial?

You see, Dorsey just found out today that she will be testifying in the actual murder trial, due to take place in May, or thereafter. And there's no way I'm sending her there by herself.

So maybe if I pop into the hearing I can get my hysterical episode out of the way... and then actually be able to BE THERE for Dorsey when it's time for the trial. Because part of the reason I hate getting so (publically) upset about the murder, is because I've always felt my role was more of the person to TAKE CARE OF those MORE upset by the murder.

Hence sitting shiva at my apartment.

Hence inviting Dorsey to move in.

Hense the resulting stress and breakdowns?

So this is me saying BRING IT ON. I'm going to the hearing tomorrow and it's going to be SHITSTORM MESSY. To the point where it's possible I might scare off my newly renewed friendship with Tyson (my escort) for quite some time.

But you know how I know I need to go? Because every time someone says to me, "Are you sure that's a good idea?" my whole insides knot up with the knowledge that the only people who could know it IS a good idea, are the people that lived through it.

And right now, none of those people are here.

And the knowledge that this event literally drove people out of town, literally determined our paths in life, well that's reason enough to me, one of the few people who knew her who still live here, to show up for at least a piece of this court date.